There are two other posts from long ago on my blog with this title here and here. They are fairly transparent without specifically mentioning their subject matter, but its not hard to make an educated guess, and if you know enough about my life, or pay enough attention to the things I've posted on here, you'll know exactly. But I stumbled back across them myself whilst going through my old blog posts, and realised it's really only fair at this point that another representation is made, and so without further adieu...
I miss you so much. It hurts. Like hell. Every single day. I know I made my choice and I stand by it and don't regret it and you've even stated the situation couldn't be changed nowadays. And that's fine, but I still miss you. I still love you. I still want to be with you even though I can't. I miss the feel of you. I miss your smile. I miss how easy we fit around each other. I miss curling up against you in bed even if I knew I'd never sleep. I miss how you'd buy me Oreos and Hersheys and chocolate milk when i'd had a bad day. I miss that you made me genuinely want to be a better person. I hate that I've barely seen you since. I hate that it's so hard to see you, because every time I walk into the same room as you I get the same feelings I got when I saw you for the very first time. I hate that lets be friends is hardly what you could call it. I hate that I still hurt for you so badly, and yet I know it doesn't work. I'm scared you'll stop loving me. I'm scared for when you find someone else and I have to accept that although it was my decision, your life is no longer mine. I wonder if this will ever get any easier for either of us. I wonder if we'll just drift apart, like people who went to school together, fundamental to each other's lives for so long and then relegated to 'emotional baggage'. I love you. I miss you. I need you. I want you. Please be mine.
Monday, 5 March 2012
Saturday, 3 March 2012
Everybody's Got The Right...
I haven't done any lighting design work in ages. And I find myself missing it. I'm not actually first rate at design. Don't get me wrong, I'm damned good at my job, and I *can* design, but I'd much rather be Production Managing or Stage Managing; I'm much better at those jobs and I get a lot more out of them. But way way way back in the day when I was first learning all the various bits of stagecraft, I did a lot of design work, I was designing a different show (or more) every week.
The last major bit of design work was now a year ago, for a show that launched January 2011. So I miss design; in fact as much as I love PMing, I love going back to the other roles of crewing every so often, LD, LX/SX op, flies, even simple set building and painting; I feel it makes me a much better PM by going back to these roles once in a while, and I do honestly love looking at a lit stage, or a piece of set, or a particular effect and thinking "I did that, I made that happen" and sure PMing allows you to do that about the entire show, but sometimes its nice to have something distinctly tangible or demonstrable to do that with.
When I see a show, like most technicians, I spent most of the time not looking anywhere near the stage; i'm looking around at the rig, mentally noting how they've done certain cues, what jarrs with me, what i'm impressed with... directors seeing shows tend to do the same in terms of the blocking, deliverance, and well, direction. They just have the advantage that they can do the actors the courtesy of looking in the direction of the stage whilst doing so.
So I decided to do a fantasy design, which are just another way of doing practice - it involves going through almost exactly the same steps as when designing for a show that actually goes up; most of the design you never actually SEE until a few days before the production, most of it has to be in your head. If you're lucky you might have access to some powerful and expensive visualization software, or you might just draw it out and colour it in. Unfortunately I'm not that good at drawing, I can envisage it in my head just fine, and I can write out all the technical information to translate that into a lighting plot, but it does mean I won't be able to post any nice pretty pictures of what I've come up with on here.
So instead, this is more a series of blog posts about the process I'm going through in my head. Maybe other LDs out there totally disagree with how I go about it - design is a very individualistic process and everyone does it in different ways; by and large most designers respect this fact about each other, though of course it does make it difficult if you have to work with opposing styles and methods. At the very least it should serve as an interesting record for my friends that read the blog as to the sorts of things I get up to in my working life.
I started by looking for ideas, if I'm going to do an imaginary design I'm going to need some kind of show to do it about. I see no point in trying to design for one of the big name things, A Midsummer Night's Dream, Evita, A Streetcar Named Desire, etc unless I happen to have some outstanding unique never before done idea, I am not afraid to admit there are far far better designers out there than me (for the record, the 2 LDs I have the most admiration for and go to see shows just on the basis of their involvement are Max Keller and Neil Austin) and they are probably already working on the big shows (in fact, Neil Austin is the LD for the current Broadway production of Evita), that's not to say I don't want to work on them, just I know what I'm good at, and I know what I'm ok at, especially at a high end professional level. So I asked twitter for some ideas, and a friend suggested the musical Assassins, which so far is a distinct possibility for me, though it has its problems as I'll go into. From my own ideas, I would love to work on a Dario Fo play, so am rereading through some of those that I have, however due to the performance space Fo had access to, they are generally single settings with no scene changes, and have very scripted lighting design, naturalistic indoor room scenes, or special spots etc for phone calls etc, which brings me to my next point...
The beauty of design is you can completely let your ideas run away with you. Anyone creative in whatever sphere they work and however they create will always tell you it's better to dream big and tone it down, than be trying to cover inadequacy with greatness elsewhere. And yes you can completely ignore all scripting, and all stage instructions, and all suggestions or hints that a performance should be conducted in a certain way, but at the end of the day, tropes exist because they work; their familiarity means we understand what is being conveyed through certain information and why it has been put into that particular place in a specific manner. So yes I could redesign a Fo play to be completely different, but a lot of the design that is scripted is what most designers would do anyway, because purely and simply, it makes sense. The idea of lighting design, of any design, is to instill certain ideas in the mind of the audience, and evoke certain responses from them as a result. Lighting is used to demarcate the boundaries of rooms, to show the passage of time, to reflect mood, to highlight a out of character moment or foreshadow future events. If you do it right it should be so unobtrusive the audience doesn't even realise the lighting is part of what is evoking their reaction, they will put it all down to good acting. Such is the manner of being a theatre tech that we all accept and embrace as part of the job description, if you've done your job well, no one should know you ever exist. At the end of the day, you could work very very very hard to create a sense of danger, aggression, anger, heat, with some unusual design, and if you've got a good idea, then go with it, but red is a warm and angry colour to most people, just as blue makes things feel cold and stark, and green makes people look ill if used in a period drama piece. Standard design techniques, like stereotypes, exist because they work, so don't try and reinvent the wheel.
So a Dario Fo would be lovely to work on, but possibly quite dull to work on when I have the whole realm of theatre to imagine a design for. Assassins is a musical which allows me to be a lot more creative, but suffers a serious setback in that I do not have access to a copy of the book, whereas I do have copies of the scripts for multiple Dario Fo plays. This isn't necessarily a HUGE problem as there are detailed synopses available online and I can of course listen to the soundtrack as much as I like which is where a lot of the interesting design work would be and where most of the important plot points happen, but it does rather complicate matters. For most Dario Fo plays, and Assassins, I have not actually seen a staged version of the shows, which in some ways limits me, but also means I'm not constrained by preformed ideas other than what the script/music suggests to me in and of itself. The major downside in this is I have to give a basic consideration to all the other areas that would normally be covered by other people, that a LD works in conjunction with, but it means they can focus purely on the lighting without needing to come up with ideas such as blocking, set design, costuming etc all of which affect the lighting. I don't need to plan these thigns out in detail, but I do need to have a basic concept of what the show might look like staged in my head in order to do the lighting plot and that's harder when you're starting at square one. At least my PM experience means I do know the basic concepts of all these different areas, as that's sort of my job as a PM, to pull all the different strands of the technical requirements together, get them working with each other, and orchestrate presenting the whole thing as a single uniform project.
So that's basically where I'm at at the moment. I'm thinking about Assassins, doing a lot of work listening to the soundtrack, which tends to be the starting point of design for any musical, and rereading my Dario Fo plays to see if anything jumps out. Basically I'm in that great and fundamental starting point of design work - sitting there looking like I'm doing nothing, throwing things at the wall inside my head, and seeing what sticks. Design is a long process that never finishes and is generally kept in check by things like deadlines and budgets. Probably some time next week I'll pull out some sheets of paper and start drawing some very rough sketches (which is advanced as my draftsman skills get and like my handwriting, tend to be fairly indecipherable to anyone except me, but if you're lucky I might post them) of sets, stages, things like that, and post some more thoughts on how the whole process is going.
Comments muchly appreciated. Is anybody reading this? Is this in the least bit of interest to you? Did most of this not make sense to you because I'm talking about things which tend to only make sense if you work in that industry? I know its a blog mostly written for me and my random thoughts, but it is nice to know you're all out there and what you think occasionally.
The last major bit of design work was now a year ago, for a show that launched January 2011. So I miss design; in fact as much as I love PMing, I love going back to the other roles of crewing every so often, LD, LX/SX op, flies, even simple set building and painting; I feel it makes me a much better PM by going back to these roles once in a while, and I do honestly love looking at a lit stage, or a piece of set, or a particular effect and thinking "I did that, I made that happen" and sure PMing allows you to do that about the entire show, but sometimes its nice to have something distinctly tangible or demonstrable to do that with.
When I see a show, like most technicians, I spent most of the time not looking anywhere near the stage; i'm looking around at the rig, mentally noting how they've done certain cues, what jarrs with me, what i'm impressed with... directors seeing shows tend to do the same in terms of the blocking, deliverance, and well, direction. They just have the advantage that they can do the actors the courtesy of looking in the direction of the stage whilst doing so.
So I decided to do a fantasy design, which are just another way of doing practice - it involves going through almost exactly the same steps as when designing for a show that actually goes up; most of the design you never actually SEE until a few days before the production, most of it has to be in your head. If you're lucky you might have access to some powerful and expensive visualization software, or you might just draw it out and colour it in. Unfortunately I'm not that good at drawing, I can envisage it in my head just fine, and I can write out all the technical information to translate that into a lighting plot, but it does mean I won't be able to post any nice pretty pictures of what I've come up with on here.
So instead, this is more a series of blog posts about the process I'm going through in my head. Maybe other LDs out there totally disagree with how I go about it - design is a very individualistic process and everyone does it in different ways; by and large most designers respect this fact about each other, though of course it does make it difficult if you have to work with opposing styles and methods. At the very least it should serve as an interesting record for my friends that read the blog as to the sorts of things I get up to in my working life.
I started by looking for ideas, if I'm going to do an imaginary design I'm going to need some kind of show to do it about. I see no point in trying to design for one of the big name things, A Midsummer Night's Dream, Evita, A Streetcar Named Desire, etc unless I happen to have some outstanding unique never before done idea, I am not afraid to admit there are far far better designers out there than me (for the record, the 2 LDs I have the most admiration for and go to see shows just on the basis of their involvement are Max Keller and Neil Austin) and they are probably already working on the big shows (in fact, Neil Austin is the LD for the current Broadway production of Evita), that's not to say I don't want to work on them, just I know what I'm good at, and I know what I'm ok at, especially at a high end professional level. So I asked twitter for some ideas, and a friend suggested the musical Assassins, which so far is a distinct possibility for me, though it has its problems as I'll go into. From my own ideas, I would love to work on a Dario Fo play, so am rereading through some of those that I have, however due to the performance space Fo had access to, they are generally single settings with no scene changes, and have very scripted lighting design, naturalistic indoor room scenes, or special spots etc for phone calls etc, which brings me to my next point...
The beauty of design is you can completely let your ideas run away with you. Anyone creative in whatever sphere they work and however they create will always tell you it's better to dream big and tone it down, than be trying to cover inadequacy with greatness elsewhere. And yes you can completely ignore all scripting, and all stage instructions, and all suggestions or hints that a performance should be conducted in a certain way, but at the end of the day, tropes exist because they work; their familiarity means we understand what is being conveyed through certain information and why it has been put into that particular place in a specific manner. So yes I could redesign a Fo play to be completely different, but a lot of the design that is scripted is what most designers would do anyway, because purely and simply, it makes sense. The idea of lighting design, of any design, is to instill certain ideas in the mind of the audience, and evoke certain responses from them as a result. Lighting is used to demarcate the boundaries of rooms, to show the passage of time, to reflect mood, to highlight a out of character moment or foreshadow future events. If you do it right it should be so unobtrusive the audience doesn't even realise the lighting is part of what is evoking their reaction, they will put it all down to good acting. Such is the manner of being a theatre tech that we all accept and embrace as part of the job description, if you've done your job well, no one should know you ever exist. At the end of the day, you could work very very very hard to create a sense of danger, aggression, anger, heat, with some unusual design, and if you've got a good idea, then go with it, but red is a warm and angry colour to most people, just as blue makes things feel cold and stark, and green makes people look ill if used in a period drama piece. Standard design techniques, like stereotypes, exist because they work, so don't try and reinvent the wheel.
So a Dario Fo would be lovely to work on, but possibly quite dull to work on when I have the whole realm of theatre to imagine a design for. Assassins is a musical which allows me to be a lot more creative, but suffers a serious setback in that I do not have access to a copy of the book, whereas I do have copies of the scripts for multiple Dario Fo plays. This isn't necessarily a HUGE problem as there are detailed synopses available online and I can of course listen to the soundtrack as much as I like which is where a lot of the interesting design work would be and where most of the important plot points happen, but it does rather complicate matters. For most Dario Fo plays, and Assassins, I have not actually seen a staged version of the shows, which in some ways limits me, but also means I'm not constrained by preformed ideas other than what the script/music suggests to me in and of itself. The major downside in this is I have to give a basic consideration to all the other areas that would normally be covered by other people, that a LD works in conjunction with, but it means they can focus purely on the lighting without needing to come up with ideas such as blocking, set design, costuming etc all of which affect the lighting. I don't need to plan these thigns out in detail, but I do need to have a basic concept of what the show might look like staged in my head in order to do the lighting plot and that's harder when you're starting at square one. At least my PM experience means I do know the basic concepts of all these different areas, as that's sort of my job as a PM, to pull all the different strands of the technical requirements together, get them working with each other, and orchestrate presenting the whole thing as a single uniform project.
So that's basically where I'm at at the moment. I'm thinking about Assassins, doing a lot of work listening to the soundtrack, which tends to be the starting point of design for any musical, and rereading my Dario Fo plays to see if anything jumps out. Basically I'm in that great and fundamental starting point of design work - sitting there looking like I'm doing nothing, throwing things at the wall inside my head, and seeing what sticks. Design is a long process that never finishes and is generally kept in check by things like deadlines and budgets. Probably some time next week I'll pull out some sheets of paper and start drawing some very rough sketches (which is advanced as my draftsman skills get and like my handwriting, tend to be fairly indecipherable to anyone except me, but if you're lucky I might post them) of sets, stages, things like that, and post some more thoughts on how the whole process is going.
Comments muchly appreciated. Is anybody reading this? Is this in the least bit of interest to you? Did most of this not make sense to you because I'm talking about things which tend to only make sense if you work in that industry? I know its a blog mostly written for me and my random thoughts, but it is nice to know you're all out there and what you think occasionally.
Monday, 20 February 2012
Goodbye to You
I have no intention of letting you do to me what I watched you do to him.
Thanks for leading me on, but this time I'm gonna be strong,
I wish you weren't too scared to speak your goodbyes cuz
The truth is I wish you well, thanks for saving me from hell, I owe you one of the few I got left of my nine lives, well,
I can't help that I want to see you again,
But it takes two to start a string a long song, and only one to make it end.
Thanks for leading me on, but this time I'm gonna be strong,
I wish you weren't too scared to speak your goodbyes cuz
The truth is I wish you well, thanks for saving me from hell, I owe you one of the few I got left of my nine lives, well,
I can't help that I want to see you again,
But it takes two to start a string a long song, and only one to make it end.
Friday, 17 February 2012
Crash Course
Here's a brief education on Terence (who's coming over in March), from the man himself....
http://itwasatuesdayblog.blogspot.com/2012/02/its-all-about-me.html
That should answer a lot of questions.
http://itwasatuesdayblog.blogspot.com/2012/02/its-all-about-me.html
That should answer a lot of questions.
Wednesday, 15 February 2012
Idiotbox
So I have a shit load of TV to catch up on. I really mean a shit load. And streaming online only works so well. So if anyone has, or is planning on buying the boxsets of any of the following shows, could I please borrow them at some point because I haven't seen any of them, and for some shows that means I'm quite a few series behind! Also it's a nice insight for you all into the full range of crap I tend to watch. If you haven't heard of anything go look it up on wikipedia and you might find something new to go watch yourself.
Ringer
Warehouse 13
The Borgias
V
Teenwolf
Vampire Diaries
Revenge
The Fades
Alphas
Boardwalk Empire
Dance Moms
Extreme Couponing
Treme
Happy Endings
Parks and Recreation
Community
Terra Nova
True Blood
Eureka
Archer
Haven
Pan Am
Pretty Little Liars
Castle
Sanctuary
American Horror Story
Into the Wild (film)
Awake
Grimm
Archer
Castle
Ringer
Warehouse 13
The Borgias
V
Teenwolf
Vampire Diaries
Revenge
The Fades
Alphas
Boardwalk Empire
Dance Moms
Extreme Couponing
Treme
Happy Endings
Parks and Recreation
Community
Terra Nova
True Blood
Eureka
Archer
Haven
Pan Am
Pretty Little Liars
Castle
Sanctuary
American Horror Story
Into the Wild (film)
Awake
Grimm
Archer
Castle
Saturday, 11 February 2012
A Measure of Salvation
Basically I'm overloading. I'm too many things to too many people at the moment. There are too many people who aren't bothering with me that I don't have the time or patience to continue trying with. There are too many people I'm trying to support whilst I'm falling apart myself; people that I could ordinarily help, but right now I can barely keep myself going. I came so close to completely breaking Wednesday and Thursday. And sometimes I just want to close myself off from all of you, because even the good stuff is too demanding right now; it demands a response which itself is too taxing, but Thursday I managed to be in a social mood, and luckily it was obvious to me what would help, so I went to see Chris and Paul, and I offloaded some stuff and ignored others and got put in a vac-rack and talked about games and movies and was cooked an amazing dinner for and Paul came and gave me a hug - even Chris was shocked. That meant so much to me coming from Paul. It had me smiling all night. And by pure coincidence tonight I saw my best friend for the first time in about 2 years, and he took me out and I remembered exactly why he's my best friend - he's the one person I can totally be free around, or rather, he's the one person that stimulates all aspects of my personality, normally I relate to people only in certain ways, and that's perfectly normal, but my best friend hits every single spot because he's exactly the same as me as well as my diametric opposite and it works so perfectly for us.
So right now, I'm not about to break, I've calmed down, and I've let go a little bit, and I'll be good for another few days. But I am having to do the sensible thing, and turn round to people, good friends and point out I don't have time for their problems right now, because I can barely keep hold of my own. I don't mean to be rude, and I will get back to a better state, but right now, I need you to be friends to me, because if I end up like I was about 6am Thursday morning again anytime soon, I know exactly what will happen, I wont run away, I won't commit suicide or anything like that, my mind will just break, I will go into complete emotional shock. I could feel it on Thursday. I could sense my emotions, I knew there were there, but I was totally detached from them, it was like when I astral project. I could basically poke a rather large part of me that was my emotional reaction and know it was there, but I didn't feel it any way. I'll end up like that for a few weeks if I'm not careful, so if I talk to you regularly and I'm now not, sorry, I'll be back, I just can't cope with any of you right now, you'll have to look elsewhere, and if I don't talk to you regularly and you find I'm not, I've decided I just don't have the patience to try with you any more, that's the way life works.
So right now, I'm not about to break, I've calmed down, and I've let go a little bit, and I'll be good for another few days. But I am having to do the sensible thing, and turn round to people, good friends and point out I don't have time for their problems right now, because I can barely keep hold of my own. I don't mean to be rude, and I will get back to a better state, but right now, I need you to be friends to me, because if I end up like I was about 6am Thursday morning again anytime soon, I know exactly what will happen, I wont run away, I won't commit suicide or anything like that, my mind will just break, I will go into complete emotional shock. I could feel it on Thursday. I could sense my emotions, I knew there were there, but I was totally detached from them, it was like when I astral project. I could basically poke a rather large part of me that was my emotional reaction and know it was there, but I didn't feel it any way. I'll end up like that for a few weeks if I'm not careful, so if I talk to you regularly and I'm now not, sorry, I'll be back, I just can't cope with any of you right now, you'll have to look elsewhere, and if I don't talk to you regularly and you find I'm not, I've decided I just don't have the patience to try with you any more, that's the way life works.
Lay Down Your Burdens (Part Two)
So in other news I got a boyfriend. His name is Paul, he's 31, I met him through a mutual friend. He's about an inch taller than me. He lives 15 minutes drive or 5 minutes if i had a rubber dinghy away. He's northern. He's angry and violent. He's not a total kink pervert but he likes choking and biting both ways, and so far he's fine with the whole "btw i'm a slut and also in love with like 3 other people" thing which is always an unpleasantly nerve wracking conversation with any boy I find I like.
It's nice having someone to sleep next to at night again, it's nice just being able to see him and smile and kiss him. He's a big superman geek and that's all kinds of sexy to me. I have to stop myself from seeing him all the time or I'd never get ANYTHING done, but that's good in a way :)
So naturally I'm terrified. Because I'm a typical boy and don't deal well with the whole commitment thing. Dating I love, dating I'm good at, relationships make me panic. I start second guessing my feelings. Whether I feel too much, whether I don't feel enough, how I feel compared to them... And then when I have doubts I start to wonder if it's all worth it, if I'm not convinced it's going to work, if I have to question things, if I'm that unsure of myself, it's usually for a reason, and if all that's going on then why not cut my losses early, save a few broken hearts, or at least not shatter them into oblivion at any rate, and end it all now rather than 3 months down the line. But then I know that this is all just my paranoia over how I'm feeling and being terrified of the whole relationship thing and at any rate if I don't try I'm never gonna get to that point where I find that 'one'. But then what if it's not my paranoia and there is actually some genuine thought in there that's real and will only grow to be a bigger concern at some point. Like I say, full blown paranoia, I second guess my second guessings. It's not fun and leaves me very confused as to how I feel.
In some ways it would be easier if I just carried on in that dating limbo, but then I know the whole me sleeping with other guys or casually mentioning I'm in love with someone else thing would probably fuck things up and really screw up something with a guy I liked, so as troublesome as it is, it's usually a lot better for me to have that "what are we doing oh and btw you should know..." conversation sooner rather than later with a guy
Then again part of me feels I already met the perfect guy, I just can't have him. And I know that he's agree in a heartbeat on some levels but I also know he's not interested in some ways. It's complicated and just... ugh. But regardless I suppose he's not an option, I should really get that into my head, but that's never gonna to happen. See my lovelife is not fun. It is awesome, but if any of you wanna take it of my hands and deal with the headfuck, by all means go for it.
I have no idea how Paul is going to cope with me going to America for 4 weeks, not to mention Terence coming over here for a week. I mean he says he's okay with it and he realises there are things he can't give me so as long as I come back to him then he can cope, and that's almost perfect, but theory and practice are different, and I know I am not an easy person to be in a relationship with and I know what I ask in a way is actually hugely unrealistic and definitely unfair, but I've seen me when I try to not do this, and it leads to me on the verge of a total meltdown; ex-Chris can probably attest to this. I'm a mess, but I'm a lot more of a mess when I try to be normal - even the docs agree trying to medicate me would go HORRIBLY HORRIBLY WRONG.
Umemployment is pissing me off, as is being broke. At that point where I'll soon be going for any job rather than something career related. Luckily, I'm quite good at getting any job, but still I'd rather have something career relevant. Ah maybe I'll just fuck off out of the country on a cruise ship job for 6 months. save money, get a bit extra on my CV, etc. I'm sure Paul would LOVE that. I'm at that annoying point career wise where I'm overqualified to do the general jobs and underqualified to do all the stuff I'd find really interesting at this stage, so you just end up in limbo. Plus of course there's no money in the arts and such. Though it's also equally depressing to see people the same age as me and how wildly successful they are. They probably don't see themselves as successful, but it does tend to make me feel shit and like a massive failure. Irrational I know, but it happens. Why, WHY could I not have found a love of accounting and audit hmmm? That said, there are sneaky plans in the works, so watch this space...
It's nice having someone to sleep next to at night again, it's nice just being able to see him and smile and kiss him. He's a big superman geek and that's all kinds of sexy to me. I have to stop myself from seeing him all the time or I'd never get ANYTHING done, but that's good in a way :)
So naturally I'm terrified. Because I'm a typical boy and don't deal well with the whole commitment thing. Dating I love, dating I'm good at, relationships make me panic. I start second guessing my feelings. Whether I feel too much, whether I don't feel enough, how I feel compared to them... And then when I have doubts I start to wonder if it's all worth it, if I'm not convinced it's going to work, if I have to question things, if I'm that unsure of myself, it's usually for a reason, and if all that's going on then why not cut my losses early, save a few broken hearts, or at least not shatter them into oblivion at any rate, and end it all now rather than 3 months down the line. But then I know that this is all just my paranoia over how I'm feeling and being terrified of the whole relationship thing and at any rate if I don't try I'm never gonna get to that point where I find that 'one'. But then what if it's not my paranoia and there is actually some genuine thought in there that's real and will only grow to be a bigger concern at some point. Like I say, full blown paranoia, I second guess my second guessings. It's not fun and leaves me very confused as to how I feel.
In some ways it would be easier if I just carried on in that dating limbo, but then I know the whole me sleeping with other guys or casually mentioning I'm in love with someone else thing would probably fuck things up and really screw up something with a guy I liked, so as troublesome as it is, it's usually a lot better for me to have that "what are we doing oh and btw you should know..." conversation sooner rather than later with a guy
Then again part of me feels I already met the perfect guy, I just can't have him. And I know that he's agree in a heartbeat on some levels but I also know he's not interested in some ways. It's complicated and just... ugh. But regardless I suppose he's not an option, I should really get that into my head, but that's never gonna to happen. See my lovelife is not fun. It is awesome, but if any of you wanna take it of my hands and deal with the headfuck, by all means go for it.
I have no idea how Paul is going to cope with me going to America for 4 weeks, not to mention Terence coming over here for a week. I mean he says he's okay with it and he realises there are things he can't give me so as long as I come back to him then he can cope, and that's almost perfect, but theory and practice are different, and I know I am not an easy person to be in a relationship with and I know what I ask in a way is actually hugely unrealistic and definitely unfair, but I've seen me when I try to not do this, and it leads to me on the verge of a total meltdown; ex-Chris can probably attest to this. I'm a mess, but I'm a lot more of a mess when I try to be normal - even the docs agree trying to medicate me would go HORRIBLY HORRIBLY WRONG.
Umemployment is pissing me off, as is being broke. At that point where I'll soon be going for any job rather than something career related. Luckily, I'm quite good at getting any job, but still I'd rather have something career relevant. Ah maybe I'll just fuck off out of the country on a cruise ship job for 6 months. save money, get a bit extra on my CV, etc. I'm sure Paul would LOVE that. I'm at that annoying point career wise where I'm overqualified to do the general jobs and underqualified to do all the stuff I'd find really interesting at this stage, so you just end up in limbo. Plus of course there's no money in the arts and such. Though it's also equally depressing to see people the same age as me and how wildly successful they are. They probably don't see themselves as successful, but it does tend to make me feel shit and like a massive failure. Irrational I know, but it happens. Why, WHY could I not have found a love of accounting and audit hmmm? That said, there are sneaky plans in the works, so watch this space...
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