So I think I'm finally getting okay with things. Slowly. And once again, life is teaching me a lesson I've learnt 20 odd times over, but always seem to forget at the important moments. I've kinda been at a loss for what to do with myself since last May really. Everything was so perfect, so obvious. Sure there would be obstacles, but they could be worked around. The actual fundamentals were sorted, and laid out, and agreed with everyone they needed agreeing with and we'd all live happily ever after.
And then it all fell apart. And I cried, and I lost my purpose, and I had no clue what to do with myself, and I made a plan B to follow in the short term, but that's probably being abandoned now, and through all the last year, the world has taught me, once again, that the result isn't important at all, the journey is. I thought I'd lost my dream, and so was spending all my time wondering how in the hell you get a new 'dream'. Dreams are exactly that, they don't have to be realistic, or achievable. It's a perfect world scenario. And I almost had mine. But I've realized that I was thinking about it all wrong. I thought I had a dream. But what I had was actually only representative of what I really wanted. The 'dream' is something much broader, and something still completely achievable.
I just want to live my life on my rules. Simple. Obvious. Kind of what everyone wants isn't it? Sort of. But also not. Few people have my determination. Anybody who's tried to live life their way, even just for one day, knows its damned hard. In fact, the universe knows. It spies on you. And on those days when you are trying, it arranges something especially to mean you can't. I don't want an office job. I don't want to live in the UK all my life. I don't want to settle down once Chris gets to London. I don't want to spend every Christmas visiting 3 different sets of relatives. I don't want to be a techie for a theatre, working on whichever project is in at the time cause it's what pays the bills.
I want to do the things I'm interested in. I want to work for things I care about. I want to work with my cousin Cindy at some point (see her work here). I want to live in Rome. And Berlin. And New York. And San Francisco. Not or. And. I want to learn all the simple easy ways to reduce the amount of waste I send to landfills. Where are all the reycling facilities. How can I reuse jars. I want to make my own clothes. I want to have a mini labratory/workshop one day. I want to travel. Even when I'm 60. I want to be the crazy uncle whose pictures you look at after I die, and see all the places I've gone and all the people I've met. I want to meet artists, and hippies, and squatters, and boat owners and millionaires and not stand behind a podium on national television and namedrop them to show how in touch with everyone I am. I've done some of these things. I'm trying to do others. Some I will never achieve. But I'll be constantly trying, and I think that's what's important to me now.
And yes this is somewhat selfish. How does it impact upon Chris? THe only people I know who manage to do this don't have stable, long term relationships, because this kind of lifestyle doesn't work unless the other person is as willing to be as broke, homeless, hungry, cold, wet, stranded, proactive, mysterious, innovative, as you are. And if you can both do it without attacking each other with the nearest instrument to hand. But I think anyone who genuinely aims to achieve their dreams, rather than talking about it like most people do, has to be a little selfish, because everyone's dream is for them alone. And if you're lucky you have someone to tag along for the ride.
ANd the universe has also reminded me, for the umpteenth time, to stop fighting, to stop struggling, to stop hoping and wishing and trying, and to just live, to go with the flow, to see where the journey takes me. Because my life is serendipitious. Everything that's worked in my life, truly worked, has been completely out of my hands, has been the product of pure chance. I took a gap year. I applied for one job. And I got it. And a scholarship to university with it. And a job offer after I graduated. I went to uni, I took up teching. Coming from no experience, just an interest, after a mere 2 months, I was technical manager of a theatre. And that led me to take charge of two shows in a 550 seat professional theatre. And that led me to sound teching for a band at the Carling Academy in Islington. And now, it's seemingly leading me to a touring job with a band travelling all over the world. I found not one, but two boyfriends after I stopped looking for one, and stopped caring so much about having one. And I wasn't looking for any of these things. I wasn't trying to get any of them. They fell into my lap. They battered down my door and slapped me back and forth in the face with a wet fish and said "Here I am, take me." I've always been extremely lucky in that sense. As I say, serendipitious. Though unlike a lot of people, I have the sense to know an opportunity when it arrives, and to take it and to hell with the consequences, because they will be the fallout of a decision I was happy to make.
Touring with this band, will likely be in autumn. This means I'd have to interrupt Uni for a year, not a huge issue considering I was contemplating dropping out, bus so many people would say oooh its not the right time and oh but what about finishing the course, and oh is this what I want to do. So what if its not? This is something that happens once in your life. If you don't say yes now, you won't get a second chance. Serendipity is just as equally about knowing when to say yes, as it is the opportunities happening to you in the first place.
This outlook is my parent's fault really. Again, it doesn't seem like that strange an outlook when you type it down, it seems like the kind of thing everyone would do, or want. But actually, its really rare, and really strange. So few people are like this, and so few people have the strength to see it through. My parents are very much a no regrets kind of people. As am I, we have the same outlook. Later on, with hindsight, your decision may not have turned out to be the best one, but it was always the right one. You made it for the reasons you made it for at the time, not the reasons you look on it with in hindsight. And at the time you were so sure, so confident. So don't regret it, becuase it makes you who you are. Even after all the arguements about engineering, even my parents recognise if and when this band thing comes through, take it, go for it, do it wholeheartedly and don't look back. And in a year, if you're still there, then carry on, and to hell with uni, because your life will be extraordinary, if only for a little while.
What do you do when your dream falls apart? Dream a better dream.
This is pretty much my outlook on life, on many levels, and I'm aware of how gay it is:
Don't know much about your life.
Don't know much about your world, but
Don't want to be alone tonight,
On this planet they call earth.
You don't know about my past, and
I don't have a future figured out.
And maybe this is going too fast.
And maybe it's not meant to last,
But what do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or a hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?
I just want to start again,
And maybe you could show me how to try,
And maybe you could take me in,
Somewhere underneath your skin?
What do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or a hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?
And I had my heart beaten down,
But I always come back for more, yeah.
There's nothing like love to pull you up,
When you're laying down on the floor there.
So talk to me, talk to me,
Like lovers do.
Yeah walk with me, walk with me,
Like lovers do,
Like lovers do.
What do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or a hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?
Don't know much about your life
And I don't know much about your world
Celine Dion - Taking Chances
No comments:
Post a Comment