Paradox

I feel better.  Yesterday I spent all afternoon in bed watching eating out and pokemon.  Terence seemed muchly amused when he came home to found me in the same place he left me.  But I was in that exhausted ill state, so who cares.  I did get up and have 2 baths though, and they helped immensely.  Then we went to get spicy food, cause bizzarely, when my digestive system is fucked, stupendously hot spicy food is somewhat helpful.  My stomach felt a lot better.  I think the stupid amounts of redbull I'm drinking whenever we go out might be setting me off somewhat.  Will test this theory at some point.

Terence managed to pull the trick off yesterday of saying something with such confidence and cockiness that it came off sexy instead of arrogant.  I  love guys who know they can do that.  And he knew exactly why he was doing it too.   It made me smile stupidly, and then he kissed me :)

It was when we went out that night that things kinda went to hell.  I'm a staunch believer that the bad parts of your life are as much a part of who you are as the good, that you have to live with them to be the person you are today, that they shape you just as strongly as anything good that might happen to you, that all the pain, hurt, trauma, suffering, angst, anxiety, is all worth it because that's what makes the person I admire..  But yet when I see something bad happening to someone I really care about, I would give anything for them to avoid that pain.  Terence ended up getting screwed over massively last night, and it's an awkward situation where we love each other, and so I want to take care of him and pull him into me and hold him until all the demons go away again, but at the end of the day we're not boyfriends, I don't know how he works off by heart, and there are some things that no matter who you are, you can't help with.

At least, with my stomach vaguely settled, and in spite of his emotional vulnerability, he opted to go for the 'fuck the hell out of the boy you care about' method to distract him from his thoughts for a good half an hour.  At least it means I got to sleep with the boy I love once whilst I was with him.  I really hope I get to again, though I doubt I will due to circumstances surrounded last night and our future plans for this weekend.   Terence knows exactly how to balance that mix of rough aggressive dominant top, with I love you and want you to be mine though, and at the end of the day, I'm a bottom boy, I love getting fucked, and I love getting fucked by the boys I love.

One day, probably next year, things are gonna get reeeeaaaaally awkward.  Because to see Terence again, either I'll have to go the US without Chris again, spending money which I should be spending on the both of us, and haave to continue to do that anytime I wanna see Terence, which would happily be everyday if they ever invented teleporting.  Or, Terence will come to the UK, in which case "Chris can the other boy I'm in love with that you're not totally keen on come stay with us in our house" isn't going to go down too well I suspect.  Either that, or I'll just randomly disappear without warning for few days.  Whatever path I choose, I'm screwed, in trouble, and deservedly so.

Sometimes I wish I didn't love anyone.  I don't think I could choose between them, and it's not even as if combining the aspects of each of Chris, Jack and Terence that I love into a single being would love, cause for many parts of them, I love the same things about them, even though they're completely different to each other.  And putting the same aspect of a body & personality into one thing 3 times is just asking for some sort of genetic-zombie schizophrenia to develop.  Some days I honestly think my life would be easier if I'd never met or fallen for any of them.

Its a bitch living in a world of what if's, where each what if retroactively sends an infinite other number of what if's backwards and forwards along the course of my life.  Talk about your chaos theory.  What if I ever properly tried to pursue things with Terence, or Jack, instead of Chris?  But then what if I wasn't with Chris.  What if I was with Chris.  What if I'm with Chris and it falls apart one day.  What if wanting Jack and Terence so badly damages the best part of my life?  Whatever I do with my life, I'm always going to wonder what-if.  And I don't care about that for normal things, what if i took this job over another etc.  But where love is concerned, everyone knows all logic goes out the window.

And yes, you can probably tell, being  with Terence, just for a few days, makes me wish I could be with him more.  Just like I wish I could be with Jack.  Just like I  wish I could be with Chris and not have 2 other boys to miss and hurt over because of it.  Seeing Jack or Terence always makes me both worse with dealing with the entire situation, as well as better.  And I really don't like the thought of how I'm going to have to approach the situation in another few months.  Moving in with Chris is generally great, but changes my life in so many ways that I'm not ready for, and that I'm not entirely sure I can be selfless enough to give up. I don't think I'd ever be selfless enough for anyone.  Which just leads my mind back to the thought that part of me wishes I didn't love anyone.

I'm gonna be a wreck by the time I get back to the UK